i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm getting married
To pizza
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
