I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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