STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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