god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
