I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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