Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I am mentally ready for anal.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
