My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize