Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
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Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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