Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
