My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
