Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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