i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
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I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
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And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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