I'd wear matching sweaters with you
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
