Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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