Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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