In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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