The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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