worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
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The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
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Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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