alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
