my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
