Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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