You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
