forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
