So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
