you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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