if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
