I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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