I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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