She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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