Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
