There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
