I am puke
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
