I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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