Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
