Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
