I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
