if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
