I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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