Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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