i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
