Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
