the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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