But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
