Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
