Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
she told me i tasted like america
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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