my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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