I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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