I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
