I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
