The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
