I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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