youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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